She did not make it again

 Yes, you read that rightly. I did not make it again. I did not pass the 2025 bar exams. What a huge disappointment. I was completely devastated for three days. After much reflection and conversation with law school buddies and law-related friends, I have decided to give it a go again. This time, it will take longer because I am required to enroll at a refresher program for having failed the exam thrice. Surprisingly, this failure is less painful than the second time that I did not pass. Perhaps my therapy session the night before the result came out proved effective in helping me realize that I had a great year last year! I grew a lot! I learned to say no to my parents with conviction and I stood by my decision of moving out from the house! 

It will be a longer journey but I feel much more accountable this time because I freely chose and paid for my previous review classes and I was more conscious pf how I answered. Of course, I am disappointed but I feel like I am more self-aware of where I need to improve. Speaking of which, I am deciding between an online and a face-to-face modes of refresher program. I shall investigate further in the coming days as to which mode I would select this May (date when most refresher programs would accept enrollees). 

A few days ago I also reached out to my lawyer friend who helped me with my previous take. I told him the good news that I did well with my labor subject during the bar since he was a lawyer who practiced labor law mostly. I also told him that I did not do well in my other subjects. He suggested that I create notes online while waiting for the start of my refresher classes and that any mode or program will do. In relation to this, I do believe that retention and quality reading time is important and so I agreed to begin a blog about my review. Maybe I would incorporate it here as a separate topic. I will see. 

In general, I feel much better. 

Before I forget, I had an interesting realization earlier while watching the film, Materialists. I realized that I do not associate with people who have displayed a two-faced character in my past encounters with them. I am not certain what that could mean but perhaps I have a preference for spending time with people who celebrate and respect me (and others!)

My last post

Holy smokes. It's been seven years since my last post. College of Law flew by. Moot court competitions happened. Government work explored and ended. Relationship entered and broken(?!). Pandemic plagued the Earth. Writing contract entered but never compensated. "New normal" introduced. Elderly care became my reality. A third job in the most ironic place. International travel realized once again with an unusual group. Two concerts. Three bar exams taken. Two close relatives' lives lost and a heart that endured it all. A lot has happened since my last post. 🙊

I might just brain dump here because I have also kept a journal in the interim but that too has not been opened since this July I think. Interestingly, I find my entries here quite verbose and optimistic despite the inconveniences I had experienced. As a 31-year-old, I dare say I feel tired sitting a long time in a chair and my hopes at studying or working abroad are dimming. I say this while I am in the waiting period before another daunting bar result on January 2026, but a quick recall of the first few contents of this blog would remind me that I have come so far since that teenager dream.

Therapy has also been helpful in easing my overworked brain and time has been friendly in allowing me to heal where I felt I needed healing. I am also learning the ropes of financial management, taking bits of wisdom from the experienced and those experiences of the unfortunate. I have learned to sit with my feelings and to be more intentional in my ways. I have learned to slowly set my boundaries and to be angry where indignation is proper. I cannot please everybody but I hope to find what it is that I truly want to do to help my community and to be the best version of my self, without shame. 

My period is approaching and I have a lot of feelings right now, but those are my quick reflections. My heart is still a bit anxious but my faith is getting stronger. TTFN. 💛

goalz

this post will not be complying with strict capitalization because my shift keys don't work.

yesterday, my classmate got into a rumble which i did not witness. the aftermath is like a energy ball waiting to explode. or it may have imploded already. in any case, i'm a bystander from another room while all this happens. i have the choice of meddling into everything that is happening after it or remain quietly in the room - ignorant or passive-aggressive. when i look into the ones who are in the position to meddle because of their post, i feel like reality hits me hard. my privileged ivory tower is shaken. it is odd, i think, because last year i was so bent on dividing my time with working for people and studying because i wanted to keep myself grounded, other than the fact that i had time to spare especially in the first semester. this year, i decided that i could do the same thing. i can help others by serving the student organization that has kept the little spark of competitiveness in me burning and study. sadly, i am not as dedicated as i thought i would be. i have been slacking off. i am losing my spark. 

when i'm at home, i cannot concentrate. one solution i could muster is to go study outside which i sometimes do. now that the fares have increased, i am discouraged. i am no longer as financially independent as i was last year. i admire those who do not lose track of their goals. i believe i was one of those before entering law school. and i have to get back on track. 

in the alchemist, an anecdote was told by one of the characters which went as though it was between a boy and a king whom the former purposely sought because of his father. the king told him to scoop some water on a spoon and balance that spoon on his mouth while going around the king's house. the boy did and he was very careful not to spill a drop of water. finally, he successfully came back to where the king was with the spoon still filled with the water. the king asked him of what he thought about his house. the boy explained that he no longer paid any attention to his surroundings because he was so focused on the task with the spoon. the king told him to do the task again, but this time, he should also observe his house. when they boy accomplished the task, the king wisely said that like balancing a spoonful of water, we must set goals. and when we do traverse our lives, we must pay attention to the things around us but never lose sight of our goals. 

shet. i love that anecdote. i believe i got those details right. either way, i love that anecdote more than how the universe conspires to help us achieve what we want. or equally. 

Let's be real

While I'm still reminding myself about that motivational quote which went something like, "My drive for success is greater than my fear of failure," I can't help but dwell on the thought of not passing Consti II or any other subjects this semester. O my freaggin gawsh.

Today was part I of two of the final exams we're having for the said subject and I honestly feel like I could only get 75 as the highest, notwithstanding the fact that I have to add 30 plus points more than my current average. LORD, THY WILL BE DONE.

I always keep saying that it really ain't over till it's over. (with ghetto slang and conviction). Therefore, Lord, I will do what I can especially with the remaining exams and Thy will be done because I really can't see myself repeating any other curriculum subject here.

Don't you forget about me

While my officemate and I were in mid conversation in a random-packed day which would cap off my 2017 Saturdays, we chanced upon talking about the strangers who significantly impacted on me by merely conversing with me. Then I told my officemate about the possibility of these strangers being projections of our future selves. What if, right? That thought being somehow an offshoot of me asking my officemate if what she would tell her younger self if she could do so now. She answered, "carry on". Naturally, she would solicit my own answer to the same question which I strangely couldn't coherently do. I wondered but brushed it off by saying that it would also be somewhere along carry on in a bemused manner. Really though, notwithstanding my 2017, I could've delved deeper. I guess I'm not sold on my current situation.

I've been having interesting dreams which I would like to write down in narrative like how I did back in high school. I think these are some sort of indicators that I should pay more attention to my writing side, but I can't do it because either I get lazy or I mentally choke myself on thoughts of what to do for work and for school. The writer in me is caged. Not that I'm good but writing has been very helpful towards soothing my soul ever since high school when I think I had insomnia. So entering 2018 may not be as exciting as before, save the fact that Duterte passed the firecracker ban executive order, but I am really hoping for better creative things ahead in my study habits, health regimen, writing, and life in general! Besides, it's the first time that I am actually consciously aware that it's my Chinese zodiac birth year this year! Let the dog out! Surely, my prelims are low but I have to up my game. I want this. ;)

For heaven's, patience!

Do not fall for it.
Misleading sparks mean it's not meant for now
Perhaps, in the future,
Perhaps, never at all.
Just don't fall for it.
Blissfully shoot across.
Remain spirited and involved.
For others need you most, not including it.
Remember, another star aims for attention.
You twinkled there once, twice.
Marvel at the other one
As they embark through the sky.
Yours will even be better,
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe it'll take forever.
However, what's wrong with waiting
For a happily ever after
When it will be a universe unlike any other.
Do fall for this.
Patiently, each day.
A day less before that fateful celestial eclipse.

Life is alive

My Manila trip was fun. I noticed that I mentioned quite a few times how I never would have imagined, with my mindset from January to February, going back to Manila in April. I'm blessed for having accomplished such a feat with my own earnings too from the freelance writing job and from finally claiming the courage to get back. It was such a delight seeing my Bedan friends again and those I encountered routinely in my brief 5-months stay there in Mendiola. Of course, when I got to sit down again with some of my classmates for dinner, there were unavoidable moments where I felt out-of-place because of their class-related conversation. It's sad. Maybe it will forever be sad how my path would never align to theirs but I'm also thinking that surely, each of our paths are different. It's pretty baffling to me still how I should react to those who briefly know me as that freshman Bedan girl. I couldn't exactly explain and take up their time at a party so I had to leave it at that. I'm still a freshman, Bedan girl for some.

Law school loves

It was a pretty eventful trip. I posted 30 images in Facebook that probably summed my thoughts and experiences there. Let's see. I went there for five days and four nights. In that span, I processed but did not complete my transfer eligibility, rekindled ties with some of my classmates, walked probably for the last time inside the SBC law library and campus, ate a hearty buffet lunch with my closest Bedan friends in MOA, learned to commute to Ermita from Padre Faura and back, sent all my 5-months-worth of dorm things on cargo, commuted to Marikina and back, attended an SJ party, savored beer every other night, met with Lucy in Cubao, partially publicly transported to Pasay, braved MRT with a slight hangover, set foot for the first time in SM Makati (only to discover later on that this mall also had Kumori! WTF), and rendezvoused with a new friend! It was so fun. 

Law pamilee

I'm going back for you, Kumori!

These are the kinds of things that I live for. I love to travel. I love my law school friends. I love meeting new friends because it's exciting. This was just such a refreshing trip although not in terms of air quality. By the way, I'm also glad to have finally met this boy which my friend introduced. He's such a gentleman. I feel bad for having partied the night before and for bluntly revealing it to him. He must think I'm such a douche, but I feel happier that I did what I did. I just wanted to unwind from the whirlwind of dropping out from San Beda, legitimately failing two subjects, the unpleasant moments back at home, and generally facing the question of where to go next or what to do about this gaping situation. Escapism. Chos. In any case, it's pretty cool that he's far, grounded, maybe a bit naive too(?) and busy with his own career. I just hope that he gets to be a good friend, more than anything right now. 

Anyway, that tryst aside, I forgot to add that on my third night during the trip, I got invited to apply for a job as a legislative assistant of a city councilor. Very cool and timely although I wouldn't admit it at first. So when I went to the interview, things were pretty chill. Strangely, her committees and the job itself somehow aligned to what I have been doing or perhaps I'm inclined to do. I observed how they did their job and it's pretty okay, save for the things that I personally would suggest to be changed or improved. On the down side, I've been slacking off on my freelance writing. Work at home is just not motivating for me. But this pays higher than that legis job so I have to get my shit together and manage doing both jobs. Did I mention I'll be taking phiLSAT this Easter Sunday too? Well I am and I haven't even prepared for it mentally. Oh dear I hope my transferring to San Agustin would be smooth with my taken subjects credited. PLEEEEEASE, UNIVERSE. 

This post is everywhere. I also got invited by my elementary friends who I dismissed last month as having differed from me in terms of interests to go on an overnight beach trip in Northern Iloilo! How tempting is that? With this heat and my pallor, the beach sounds like heaven. Hmmm what else happened? Oh I got my student driver's permit! VERY COOL. Now all I have to do is find out how I'll learn to drive. Life is definitely picking up and it's not just because it decided to, I think I also made decisions and acted upon them to experience these events and opportunities. :)

Also, I read Ayn Rand's Anthem this month. It was shorter than the previous ones I read and it basically piqued my interest at dystopian literature. I remember asking my sis or friend if she knew other dystopian novels and I can't quite recall what she replied, but hey! I came across Anthem! It's quite a humanist story. SPOILER ALERT. It's set in a future society where people are absolutely collectivists or they value the welfare of all instead of the individual. Like 1984, the protagonist discover's that there was something missing or something forgotten. He gets an epiphany together with his love interest, they escape and live off as individuals who love themselves and each other. I think the lesson there isn't so much of a single piece of wisdom, but more of rethinking how you view society and the concept of "self". SPOILER DONE. It's definitely a story to ponder on. I can't wait to finish my other Book Sale hoard. 

Till me next post!