For heaven's, patience!

Do not fall for it.
Misleading sparks mean it's not meant for now
Perhaps, in the future,
Perhaps, never at all.
Just don't fall for it.
Blissfully shoot across.
Remain spirited and involved.
For others need you most, not including it.
Remember, another star aims for attention.
You twinkled there once, twice.
Marvel at the other one
As they embark through the sky.
Yours will even be better,
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe it'll take forever.
However, what's wrong with waiting
For a happily ever after
When it will be a universe unlike any other.
Do fall for this.
Patiently, each day.
A day less before that fateful celestial eclipse.

Life is alive

My Manila trip was fun. I noticed that I mentioned quite a few times how I never would have imagined, with my mindset from January to February, going back to Manila in April. I'm blessed for having accomplished such a feat with my own earnings too from the freelance writing job and from finally claiming the courage to get back. It was such a delight seeing my Bedan friends again and those I encountered routinely in my brief 5-months stay there in Mendiola. Of course, when I got to sit down again with some of my classmates for dinner, there were unavoidable moments where I felt out-of-place because of their class-related conversation. It's sad. Maybe it will forever be sad how my path would never align to theirs but I'm also thinking that surely, each of our paths are different. It's pretty baffling to me still how I should react to those who briefly know me as that freshman Bedan girl. I couldn't exactly explain and take up their time at a party so I had to leave it at that. I'm still a freshman, Bedan girl for some.

Law school loves

It was a pretty eventful trip. I posted 30 images in Facebook that probably summed my thoughts and experiences there. Let's see. I went there for five days and four nights. In that span, I processed but did not complete my transfer eligibility, rekindled ties with some of my classmates, walked probably for the last time inside the SBC law library and campus, ate a hearty buffet lunch with my closest Bedan friends in MOA, learned to commute to Ermita from Padre Faura and back, sent all my 5-months-worth of dorm things on cargo, commuted to Marikina and back, attended an SJ party, savored beer every other night, met with Lucy in Cubao, partially publicly transported to Pasay, braved MRT with a slight hangover, set foot for the first time in SM Makati (only to discover later on that this mall also had Kumori! WTF), and rendezvoused with a new friend! It was so fun. 

Law pamilee

I'm going back for you, Kumori!

These are the kinds of things that I live for. I love to travel. I love my law school friends. I love meeting new friends because it's exciting. This was just such a refreshing trip although not in terms of air quality. By the way, I'm also glad to have finally met this boy which my friend introduced. He's such a gentleman. I feel bad for having partied the night before and for bluntly revealing it to him. He must think I'm such a douche, but I feel happier that I did what I did. I just wanted to unwind from the whirlwind of dropping out from San Beda, legitimately failing two subjects, the unpleasant moments back at home, and generally facing the question of where to go next or what to do about this gaping situation. Escapism. Chos. In any case, it's pretty cool that he's far, grounded, maybe a bit naive too(?) and busy with his own career. I just hope that he gets to be a good friend, more than anything right now. 

Anyway, that tryst aside, I forgot to add that on my third night during the trip, I got invited to apply for a job as a legislative assistant of a city councilor. Very cool and timely although I wouldn't admit it at first. So when I went to the interview, things were pretty chill. Strangely, her committees and the job itself somehow aligned to what I have been doing or perhaps I'm inclined to do. I observed how they did their job and it's pretty okay, save for the things that I personally would suggest to be changed or improved. On the down side, I've been slacking off on my freelance writing. Work at home is just not motivating for me. But this pays higher than that legis job so I have to get my shit together and manage doing both jobs. Did I mention I'll be taking phiLSAT this Easter Sunday too? Well I am and I haven't even prepared for it mentally. Oh dear I hope my transferring to San Agustin would be smooth with my taken subjects credited. PLEEEEEASE, UNIVERSE. 

This post is everywhere. I also got invited by my elementary friends who I dismissed last month as having differed from me in terms of interests to go on an overnight beach trip in Northern Iloilo! How tempting is that? With this heat and my pallor, the beach sounds like heaven. Hmmm what else happened? Oh I got my student driver's permit! VERY COOL. Now all I have to do is find out how I'll learn to drive. Life is definitely picking up and it's not just because it decided to, I think I also made decisions and acted upon them to experience these events and opportunities. :)

Also, I read Ayn Rand's Anthem this month. It was shorter than the previous ones I read and it basically piqued my interest at dystopian literature. I remember asking my sis or friend if she knew other dystopian novels and I can't quite recall what she replied, but hey! I came across Anthem! It's quite a humanist story. SPOILER ALERT. It's set in a future society where people are absolutely collectivists or they value the welfare of all instead of the individual. Like 1984, the protagonist discover's that there was something missing or something forgotten. He gets an epiphany together with his love interest, they escape and live off as individuals who love themselves and each other. I think the lesson there isn't so much of a single piece of wisdom, but more of rethinking how you view society and the concept of "self". SPOILER DONE. It's definitely a story to ponder on. I can't wait to finish my other Book Sale hoard. 

Till me next post!

Back into the social world

It's been a while. This blogging can be exhausting. I wonder how the legit bloggers do it daily. Ugh. Too much effort. But then hey, it's their passion. All right, so as I mentioned in my previous post, I will be talking about what went down with my catch-up date with old friends, the boyfriend questions, and others. I also finished earlier this month Mitch Albom's The Timekeeper so I'll be talking a bit about that and getting back into the social circles. LOL

My elementary years have been eventful for a number of reasons but of course those reasons also have to do with the people I was with. Unlike in high school and college where I got so latched unto the same people for four years, elementary allowed me to meet different people who I considered to be my friends. It would be 10 years since we officially got together, excluding those times we met in parties or in public spaces around high school and college. In any case, I just had so much good memories with them that I even keep dreaming literally about elementary life: the school, the people, and the experiences. I missed my childhood so it seemed right for me, after going into social hibernation for two months to just get back out there and rekindle old ties. When you're psychologically and emotionally bothered, you also somehow try to fight being all defeatist by finding new things to do especially interesting ones for you. I can't speak for all but that's what happened with me. I thought about getting a sideline like going on a business so I recalled what I needed and who could help. My elementary friends just fit the picture and since I missed them, why not. But when I did meet them, they definitely changed. OF COURSE, DAYAN. I was a bit sad by that. I wasn't vocal about it but I didn't want to push myself to things which I didn't have much interest in anymore. And their kind of fun just didn't entice me the way it probably would have for college me. The lesson I guess I learned is that, in life, some of the friends you had way back just grew apart from you and developed their own interests. It's up to you if you want to tag along with them again, but you have that choice. Sure, they might have an opinion against or for you when you turn down their invitations but you just have to be cool and learn how to say no or sugarcoat the no. haha.

Moving on the boyfriend questions. When I slowly got back to meeting my friends, I ran the risk of meeting questions like "why are you still single?" or "do you have a boyfriend?" Those slightly add to the hormonal reactions in the brain again which is ugh....normal yes, but I'd say so primal. My exact response to the first question thrown by a friend was that I just don't want to bother anyone with my personal concerns. I conditioned myself you see to develop my best self and once I feel that I'm confident enough to subtly show that to the world then that's the time I would also search for the one. Seems logical right? Practical and healthy. Anyway, I was so bored that I decided that it would be okay to meet someone. Well, it's generally okay for me but again, I don't feel so marketable yet. The point now is that I'm meeting someone online through a friend who bridged us. Ew. The thought of this arrangement recalls telebabad, penpal, Robert and Elizabeth Browning. This part of the blog is all over the place. I'll write another one specifically dedicated to this. So what are the lessons I learned from people's constant nagging about having a boyfriend? Just keep it real and let God or the universe run His or its course.

Lastly, I read The Timekeeper by Mitch Albom and find it to be interesting-boring-interesting-and then motivating. SPOILER ALERT. The crux really is about living your life as best as you could and with the people around you because you will never know when life would end. Other than that, it's also important to not focus so much on the negative things about you and your situation. Always look at the positive things you have.

My mind is throbbing so I'll have to stop for tonight. I do think I'm missing something so I'll wrap this up properly soon.

So True

Last February 15 or was it 14? I'm not sure, but I finished reading Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage. Since I'm writing this about a week later, I'm recalling how I felt reading it and what my thoughts were after. Like any other person trying to blog about finishing a book four or five days later. Before The Alchemist, he wrote The Pilgrimage which set the tone for the kind of novelist he would be - introspective, moving, and spiritual. (SPOILER ALERT) Coelho took me with him in his pilgrimage and since I'm also Catholic, it was very interesting to know about his particular route since I was only familiar of the pilgrimage to the Holy Land which most Catholics from the Philippines take. In any case, I also kept on wondering if those exercises really had the effects which they claimed to have once you performed them. In fact, I even wondered how the author noted his thoughts, exercises, conversations, and experiences throughout the journey. Now that I'm thinking about this novel again, the tabs on my browser depict my regained interest on Coelho's Tradition and other mystic or cryptic things he mentioned. When his guide told him in the latter part to create something to express his entire experience during his pilgrimage, I truly felt impressed and inspired. This novel is the product of his pilgrimage. (SPOILER ENDS HERE)

Coelho gives out thoughts in the novel which I find to be universal truths, but his observations, especially the deeply moving ones are said at such great moments - which is of course mostly due to this special pilgrimage or search he had to take - that I could not simply dismiss them to be average observations. I'll be treasuring how The Pilgrimage taught me that having a dream or goal is one thing, but knowing what to do with that dream is quite another. You may not ever be able to realize your dreams or even if you do, those would be useless unless you have a purpose for them. They say that "the road to success is often lined with many tempting parking spaces" (Will Rogers), and the search of Coelho for his sword was quite like that. Likewise, in my own 22 years of existence, I've been feeling like I have a big dream of becoming a lawyer, but along the way there are a lot of opportunities that I also want to take. So I often ask myself, am I really destined to become a lawyer? And if being a lawyer really is my goal or destiny, then what will I do with it? I mean I know that I've always wanted to help innocent people come out of legal battles successful and assist those who cannot understand the complicated words of our laws, but now that I didn't really start law school as well as I had thought before, I feel like I've really stepped on a quicksand. So when the author mentioned that we seem to know about how others should live their lives, but we ourselves have no idea how to live ours, I felt how germane that was to me. I think I also had to close the book at that time and ponder on that particular line because it was so true.

Anyway, I'm slowing trying to recover because I want to. I hate living in a shell and that means hiding at home with an online job (that because of Paypal I didn't really earn from immediately), missing out on pursuing what I am supposed to be (which I'm still figuring out). Since I became nocturnal for the past two months, I decided that I had to first adjust my body clock again to sleeping earlier which in my 2016 standard meant around 11 PM to 1 AM. That would prepare me to begin again my early morning jog with yoga in alternate days. Next is that since my latest salary won't be available until the next month, I'll have to exhaust the $20 which I have been saving from last Christmas. With it, I'll be reconnecting with old friends from elementary school and really aim to lessen spending unless it's something productive. I also decided to really go back to studying law but continue it here in Iloilo, in spite of the many negative thoughts hounding that. I just feel that if I don't get back, I would be regretting not going back and finishing the battle or at least fighting a good battle. Let's recap. I stopped because we lacked money for my tuition, for my accommodation and other survival needs in Manila, plus I felt so down after getting my first ever legit failures in my academics. So those aren't really noble reasons to stop. I can do better.

Other than meeting old friends and going back to school next semester, I have more or less four months to spare so I figured it would be good to do something worthwhile because this period could be turned into an opportunity to get to know what it is that I should be. Hence, I listed becoming a host for Project Iloilo or pitching a video series feature of all things Ilonggo to the Project Iloilo team which I did two nights ago via Facebook too (haha!). The Project Iloilo representative who was anonymous since it was a like page I was messaging said that they'll keep me in mind. I don't think they would, and I'm slightly regretting now that I approached them the way I did, but I hope that they would really consider creating the webisodes/vlogs/video featurettes.

Quite embarrassing how pushy I've become; excerpt from my chat with Project Iloilo

My clock says it's 1 AM now so I have to wrap this post up. I'll close by mentioning how I'm also hoping to venture successfully into business with good and reliable partners. It's four months. Anything can happen. I'm excited.


For my next post, I should be talking about what went on with the small reunion I had with the elementary friends, how people keep bringing up boyfriend for me, and business shenanigans.

Growing like a wisdom tooth

I finished Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist yesterday. I started reading it around the first week of this year and reading it for the third time feels different because I seem to understand it more. I picked it up again because around Christmas time a friend complimented me saying that I was pursuing my Personal Legend. I forgot about what that meant and I was basically in a state of confusion or as I'd like to call it, in my "quarter life" crisis, so I reread the book. SPOILER ALERT. Apparently, we are all alchemists, that is if we are pursuing our Personal Legends. The back cover simplifies it all, "To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation." I used to think that the most important line for this book is, "When you want something all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.", but now, it's like the whole text is important because it applies to everyone. When the alchemist in the story mentioned that all things are one because we all were written by one hand, that made actual sense when I came across a video in my Facebook newsfeed. According to it, MIT engineers concluded that the strength of an object is determined by its geometrical configuration as opposed to its material. That applies to us! The strength of a persons is determined by his responses to the circumstances/events surrounding him and not by his physical appearance nor by the content of his birth certificate. How bizarre. SPOILER ENDS HERE. The book is really wonderful. I will read it again someday. I asked my dad if there was a novel that he read many times and he said that there wasn't. I think I will be reading this one over and over again.

It's pretty strange that I'm on hiatus right now, because my way of doing it is not letting everybody or a lot of people know that I stopped going to law school. Maybe people know. I'm not sure, in any case, nobody seems to be bothering me to go and hang out, save for the closest ones I know. I like this detachment from them. It gives me time to think and not be influenced by their judgment or be pressured by my perception of their judgment. Social media has also been both a boon and a bane because it keeps me updated but for its lack of filter, I even have to digest the unnecessary information which is time-consuming and sometimes distressing. I'm keeping this MIA status until after I get back to studying.

The sinkhole really happens when I'm thinking about studying back. After my intensive (yaaas), first semester I'm proud to say that I picked up a few great things like reading faster and understanding better what I read, amongst other things. I am a soft copy novel hoarder you see, but I never really finish reading them and law school is absolutely draining. Personally, I can't make time for leisure reading as I did before. I figured, this gap semester is a perfect time to read those. Speaking of reading, Edgar Allan Poe is really weird. Anyway, with the rush of finding an online job during the holidays, I was blessed with an online content writing one. I haven't been paid but with the rate of my submissions, it's not as generously paying as I calculated it to be. What I do love about my job hunting methods is that I choose what I seem to already know or feel confident that I can do. Haha Well that's how it's supposed to work. I'm writing about architecture, interior design, and home improvement which are quite ironic with my own living situation. I also chose this one because like the awesome Atty. Karen Jimeno who writes an automotive column regularly, I'm an aspiring lawyer who writes about architecture, interior design, and home improvement. Since I'm not entirely obsessed about earning from this job, I do wonder if how my experience writing on those topics would help me later on. I mean sure, domestically, I would have the know how, but will that help me in pursuing my Personal Legend? In fact, I'm not so sure even if what my Personal Legend is.

I wanted to insert here an image bulleting facts about The Alchemist author, Paulo Coelho, but I'm too lazy to fix this Google+ cookie issue so I'll just write about it. It listed that Paulo Coelho dropped out of law school and that he has always known that his Personal Legend is to be a writer. Wow, is that an omen for me or what?

Right now, I'm basking in the realization that the things I learned and chose to do in the past were driving me to become a lawyer. But then, I've also been set back many times from becoming a lawyer. Failed twice the LAE. Failed two of my law school subjects in my first semester and first year. (Maybe even more pending the appearance of the other grades). Actually, this other part of me tells me that I'm just not meant to study law in Manila. As to whether I am meant to study law anywhere else. It does not say. Now, why should I pursue it? What moves me? One is that I want to be respected for what I know automatically. Seriously, I hate it when people just brush off respect and treat me like I have no idea about the world because I'm small, not a head turner, and hasn't really established a name for myself. I really want to be respected. Why do I want to be respected? It doesn't come easy. What then will I do if I gained most people's respect? Do things to help educate other people at least to the level where they can decide to pursue their Personal Legend, because it's absolutely wonderful to have a population diversely good at something-let me leap on logic-then we can respect each other.

Am I willing to go back to the rigors of law school, learn a lot of dated and sexist laws, sacrifice my self-proclaimed artist and freedom-loving soul, argue against hard-headed people, and earn less than how much my brain works? Ummmmm........Let's earn for the month of January first.

Hey I discovered last night my wisdom tooth! It grew far back and on the wrong side. It doesn't hurt though. Wow. I'm like my own wisdom tooth right now, finding myself on the wrong side.